


You are more than the whole world I once knew

by Anonymous



Category: Actor RPF
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 13:51:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"I last saw him a few months ago. He'd been in and out of the hospital. I knew what the deal was, and he knew what the deal was, and we didn't talk about it. We talked about what was on our minds."</i> (Robert Redford on Paul Newman's death)<br/>One version of how their last discussion possibly was like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You are more than the whole world I once knew

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NovaMist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovaMist/gifts).



_Okay, so I’m the dragon. Big deal. You still get to be the hero._  
(Richard Siken)

Both Robert and Paul knew this would be the last time they were to meet.  
“Well, in this life it will be,” Paul had said.  
“Yeah, you don’t get rid off me simply by dying,” Robert had answered.  
Their relationship was the kind that didn’t require much talking. Sometimes they felt like there was a telepathy working between them, they felt like talking for hours simply by being in the same room. It had always been like this for them, even from the first meeting. Paul had seen something in Robert, demanding the studio bosses to hire him to play Sundance, and even though it was decades ago Robert had never stopped being grateful for it.

Robert had asked Paul a few times why he had chosen him over all the other actors but he had never really explained it but rather just smiled to him, keeping his silence. This however didn’t stop Robert from trying to get an answer out of Paul and even now, during their last meeting, he brought the subject up.  
“Paul, you know I probably wouldn’t be what I am today if it wasn’t you...”  
“Oh, please, Redford. They would have never let a good looking lad like you to become unemployed in Hollywood.”  
“I still want to know why you chose me - besides my great look, of course.”  
“Your smile.”  
Robert raised his eyebrows.  
“Yeah,” Paul continued. “When you smile it’s always so genuine, like a little kid. I have always loved your smile.”  
“Why, I thank you.”  
“So, now you know. Sometimes I thought you would stop asking if I just never gave you the answer.”  
“I would have never given up.”  
“I know. You never do.”

Paul looked outside the window. There was a large oak tree just next to the house. He had watched it to grow for years and it had became quite important to him. The tree was slightly dangerous and rotten inside but Paul had not wanted to take it down. He looked outside the window and said:  
“We have buried many of our loved ones, you know.”  
“Yeah?”  
“But you have lost more than me.”  
“Why would you say that?”  
“You buried your mother and your little boy before you were twenty-five.”  
This was the second time Paul mentioned Scott, the little boy Robert had lost when he had just moved to New York. Robert didn’t really want to talk about him, not even to Paul. Not because he would have been afraid of showing his pain and vulnerability to Paul, but because talking about them brought back haunting memories from things he would have rather forgotten. They were both quiet for a long time but the silence between them was comfortable and warm.  
“You have lost your loved ones, too,” Robert finally said, just to put an end to the conversation.  
“We both have,” Paul said and shrugged. “One of the greatest advantages of being older than you is the high possibility that I die before you and therefore I won’t have to lose you.”  
“It’s a shame it doesn’t go both ways.”

“Do you remember us seriously fighting over something, ever?” Robert asked after a while to change the subject.  
Paul thought about this for a minute before shaking his head. “No.”  
“It might be because it’s impossible to stay mad at you for long.”  
“I tend to forget those kind of things quite quickly.”  
“And that might be the secret of our lifelong friendship.”  
“I thought the secret was the undeniable, underlying attraction between us,” Paul said, smirking.  
“Oh yeah, there is that...”  
Sometimes people assumed their friendship was in fact “friendship with occasional benefits” and they had never really denied it. They were both good-looking guys and sometimes, usually at nights when they had both had drunk a bit too much, things had led to the point where they had slept together. Officially, and practically, they were happily together with their wives and girlfriends but every once in a while they wanted to have something more. They don’t remember who took the lead when they had sex for the first time but it had been during the filming of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. The shootings were almost finished and they knew they were going to miss each other’s company and during the last night on the set they had shared a bed. Robert knew Paul had been with other guys because Paul had talked about it quite openly but to Robert Paul had always been the only guy he slept with.

“It’s a shame we never did another movie together after The Sting,” Paul said and poured himself another cup of coffee.  
“We worked well together.”  
“I guess it just wasn’t meant to happen.”  
“Or maybe we never realised our time was running out until now.”  
“Maybe.”  
“I am going to miss you.”  
“I’m gonna miss you too, Bob.”

Robert cleared his throat before continuing.  
“Remember the night when I told you about my mother’s death? And cried like a baby, which was slightly embarrassing.”  
“It wasn’t embarrassing.”  
“Anyway, did I ever told you one of the last words she ever said to me, right after I had decided to move away and study abroad?”  
“If you did, I don’t remember it.”  
“She said that the best advice she could give me summed up to two words: be happy.”  
“It’s a good advice,” Paul said. “I could give you the same advice now.”  
Robert just nodded.  
“Do you think you have managed to do that? Be happy?” Paul asked.  
“For the most of time, yes. I think my life has always been fulfilled by people and things that I love. How about you?”  
“Oh, I’m happy. I’d say I’ve always lived without too many things troubling me.”  
“It’s a great gift, a life like that.”  
“Gifts always come with a price, though,” Paul says and they both know they are talking about Paul’s death even though they never say the word “death” out loud.  
“I guess we always knew it but chose to forget.”  
“You have always sucked at goodbyes anyway.”

When Robert stood up, starting to leave the house of his dear friend for the last time, Paul walked him to the door.  
“Since we both suck at goodbyes,” Paul said, leaning against the door frame, looking at Robert. “How about we pretend this is not the end?”  
“Sure,” Robert said but can’t fight against the tears coming to his eyes.  
“Alright. The next time we see each other, please remind me to tell you something about James Dean. It’s a long story but a funny one. I know you’ll love it.”  
“Isure will, Paul.”  
Robert walked away, down the stairs and to his car. He didn't look back and Paul loved him because of that because it reminded him of the cocky, slightly arrogant and amazingly brave man Paul had learned to love and who had given him so much hope, courage and comfort during the wonderful years of their friendship.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write this for NovaMist who asked for this pairing back in Yuletide 2009. I didn't participate Yuletide that year but I wanted to write this story now.


End file.
